I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
