Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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