My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
