I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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