just tell him i said nine months
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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