life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
