quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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