we have officially lost it.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
What a dumb baby whore.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
