If that was your dad, he is hot
I cannot find my penis.
ugly people sure do ruin things
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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