I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
