My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
