Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
