I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Bring me that man meat
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