yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
