Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
