If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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