I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
