I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
