you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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