My friends, they love my intelligence
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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