you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
