I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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