My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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