I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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