Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
