Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
