She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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