Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
