You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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