I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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