I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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