Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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