I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
