I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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