I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
