If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just invented taco cereal.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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