I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
