I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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