He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
