Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
