I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
