just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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