Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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