I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
