I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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