textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
