Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
