she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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