Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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