Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
